


Reverse

by lily_zen



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, POV Alternating, Psychological Drama, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-21
Updated: 2012-03-21
Packaged: 2017-11-02 07:47:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/366636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lily_zen/pseuds/lily_zen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaoru has a problem.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reverse

Reverse

 

Archive: Ask

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Graphic sex, yaoi, dealing with mature subjects, OOC

Disclaimer: Don’t own Diru. Do own Miro and Doctor Nanahara, whom you may/may not recognize.

By: Lily Zen

 

 

 

 

\-------------------------

 

In every story there is a protagonist and an antagonist. Everyone knows what that is, right? The knight is shining armor and the villain with the funky upturned mustache. Only in here there’s one actor for both parts. Are you lost yet? Don’t worry, you won’t be soon.

 

\------------------------

 

It was yet another night spent on the town. Alone. Kaoru was fucking sick of being alone. The lights were bright, the people loud, and there he was, alone. It seemed lately that everyone had simply stopped wanting to hang out with him. Toshiya and Kyo were always busy, coincidentally with each other, and Shinya was constantly going off places trying to “find himself”; he was on this New Age kick recently. Die, well…the redhead was out of the question. He had trouble even being in the same room with him, seeing the worry, the caring in his eyes, much less talking to him. Funny, he considered Die to be his best friend, but at the same time, he couldn’t even talk to him.

 

So he’d simply sat at home, being bored and lonely. Finally when he was near twitching with nervousness, waiting for someone to alleviate his boredom, the phone had rang. It had been Miro, his old friend. They’d begun hanging out with more frequency. Why, neither of them could really say. However they’d formed a new bond over their mutual dislike of being alone.

 

“Hey,” Miro’s voice had come over the electronic device, “Want to go out tonight?”

 

So the blond guitarist had hauled himself out of bed without so much as a second thought, and prettied himself up. Then the man was out of the apartment and on his way down to the nightclub he and Miro had agreed to meet at.

 

That all led him to sitting at the bar, alone, after Miro had found some pretty little bishounen and dragged him off to dance. He could see them from his vantage point, grinding sensuously against one another in the pretense of dancing. Kaoru knew they wouldn’t be staying much longer. He was jealous, in a way. Miro would go home, fuck that silly empty-headed boy senseless, and then fall asleep with the beautiful bed warmer. Of course it wouldn’t go any further than that. Miro was too hurt right now; still licking his wounds from the last pretty boy.

 

It was then that the nameless man had sat next to him at the bar. Then that Kaoru met his undoing yet again. It’s so easy, he thought to himself.

 

“You’re a watcher,” he blurted out, bold in his alcohol-induced haze. The younger man turned to Kaoru, wide-eyed. “Excuse me?” he asked with half a smile on his face.

 

“There are three types of people that come to these places: dancers, drinkers, and watchers. You’re a watcher. You’re here to sit and absorb the ambiance, what little there is anyway.” Kaoru nodded in his certainty.

 

The younger man narrowed his eyes thoughtfully, then grinned cheerfully. “Yeah I suppose. I came here tonight because my friends wanted to come, but…they’re all dancers, I guess. So now I’m left here all by myself.”

 

Kaoru nodded in understanding. “My friend is out there dancing too,” he said in explanation.

 

A few well-placed caresses, some interesting innuendoes later, and they were ready to go. Kaoru may not have been as androgynously beautiful as he was when he was younger, but he still knew how to work what he’d been given, even at twenty-nine. It was so fucking easy, and he wasn’t alone anymore.

 

\--------------------

 

The door to the apartment was barely open before Kaoru found himself pushed inside, back against the door, hands pinned above his head. So the little boy wanted an uke. That was fine; Kaoru could give him an uke. In fact, it had been awhile since he’d been on the bottom, and god did it feel good. His mind was wrapped in fog, all intelligence forgotten in the face of a ravenous mouth and a welcome tongue raping his mouth.

 

With a pointed shove, the younger man was removed, and a confused glance caught by Kaoru. “This way,” he said, and grabbed the younger man’s hand, pulling him down the hallway. They ended up in the bedroom, surprise surprise, and the elder man gently pushed the boy down on the bed. “Watch,” he barely whispered.

 

Then his short-sleeved shirt was gliding up his body, and thrown carelessly to the floor, where the leather pants (yes, leather) soon followed. Kaoru thought he had quite the nice body for his age dammit, and he could wear whatever the fuck he wanted to. Die had thought he looked quite nice in leather pants and used to—

 

Shut up, brain, shut up, Kaoru commanded.

 

He crawled back on the bed, where the younger man was unabashedly gaping. Kaoru took fiendish delight in the look on his face, and the obvious erection, a double testimony, to the boy’s arousal. “Fuck me,” he said, his breath brushing enticingly across the partially bared skin of the young man’s abdomen. The guitarist’s calloused hands reached up and undid the button of the pants he was wearing, and soon, the boy was undressed.

 

The sight of his cock, slightly flared at the tip and red with arousal, made Kaoru shiver with anticipation, and without thought he swung his body up and impaled himself. “Fuck!” he yelped, angry at himself for not preparing himself first. Too late now, he thought, and began to move.

 

God it hurt. It fucking hurt. He hadn’t been taken for so long, and now to just suddenly…do it…without any preparation…or lube for that matter, he could feel it tearing apart his insides, a burning path of fiery regret. He knew he was bleeding. Kaoru could feel it slickening his passageway. Tears began to prick at the back of his eyes, and the blond ruthlessly suppressed them. He forced himself to move faster.

 

The boy beneath him was gasping, moaning, arching up into his touch, but that was all inconsequential. Nothing could compare to his own blissful agony. Every thrust was a little piece of hell and he savored it. That’s right, a part of him enjoyed the pain, the suffering of it. Retribution, he called it. It shouldn’t feel good though, but it did. Fucking a stranger made him feel fantastic, even though he was bleeding, bound to be sore and hurting in the morning.

 

Practice was tomorrow, he thought. Die would be there. A picture of the redhead smiling down at him appeared in his mind nanoseconds before Kaoru came with a loud shout. The boy rolled him over then and took him at his own angle and pace until he too came, his cum filling Kaoru’s passage, mingling with the blood and seeping into his torn body. It stung, Kaoru realized, but it was all inconsequential to him.

 

\----------------------

 

It was still early when Kaoru woke, rolling over in the bed to look, bleary-eyed, at the green numbers of the digital clock. God it was too fucking early, but it was that time. The time when he had to get up and go be a responsible adult.

 

He rolled over and faced the opposite side of the bed. It was empty, and Kaoru sighed with relief, remembering when he politely kicked the younger man out of his apartment even earlier that morning. It had been good for awhile, but Kaoru didn’t share his bed with anyone in the mornings. Not anymore.

 

Pushing his hair back from his face, the guitarist frowned and stood up. Pain shot up his spine, making him gasp. “Fuck,” he cursed himself out loud. Then he was up, moving albeit slowly, and getting ready.

 

He was nearly ten minutes late that morning because of last night’s activities. Ten minutes. So out of character for the “leader” of Dir en grey. When Kaoru walked in the practice room wearing baggy jeans and an old ratty t-shirt from some band he barely knew, everyone turned to look. It hurt to see the questions to clearly painted on their faces, but Kaoru ignored them all.

 

What hurt the most though, was when Die walked up to him, tilted his chin up, and asked, “Fuck, Kao, what’d you do, get run over by a truck?” The words were meant to be a joke, but the worry carefully veiled beneath them weren’t. Kaoru sighed and brushed the redhead’s hand away. He knew he looked like shit. His eyes were puffy and he had dark circles under his eyes. Not to mention his hair, normally something he took good care of, was a mess. “I’m fine, Die,” he said impatiently, dismissing his friends’ concern. “Let me tune my guitar, then we can get started.”

 

That day they were just practicing in the studio, as opposed to a venue. Dir en grey didn’t have any upcoming concerts, but they still wanted to stay sharp. It would be rather embarrassing to forget one’s own music.

 

By the end of the day, Kaoru’s entire body was hurting, yelling at him for abusing it so much. He wanted nothing more than to tell the entire band to fuck itself to hell so he could go home and go to bed. Then he’d be alone though, Kaoru thought, and gave a slight visible shudder.

 

“Kao, are you sure you’re okay?” The low tenor came from over his shoulder, warm with caring. Kaoru turned, almost dropping the cigarette that dangled precariously from his fingers. Die stood behind him with a cigarette in his own hand, but letting it burn without smoking it. Kaoru knew that more often than not it was just the comfort, the familiarity of a cigarette between his fingers that drove Die to light up. Habit, you could say, but he didn’t think Die necessarily needed it.

 

“Kao?” Die prompted again, looking inquisitively at the blond, who’d seemed to simply zone out.

 

“Uh…yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” he answered automatically, once the question registered with his obviously lagging brain. Kaoru saw Die press his lips together in a firm line, a surefire way to tell that the redhead had his doubts. “You seem really distant lately,” the other guitarist finally settled on, his voice a completely neutral tone, even though inside he was dying to know if his suspicions were true.

 

“I’m just…I’ve been busy,” Kaoru stammered as an explanation. He really didn’t want to be sitting here with Die, having an interrogation. “Hontou? Shinya tells me you’ve been trying to get him to go out…” A flickering glance from the corner of the redhead’s eyes. “Oh well…he’s such a recluse, you know…” Kaoru trailed off in lieu of a better answer.

 

“Yeah…right,” Die muttered, rolling his eyes, “Listen, Kaoru, if you ever want to talk, you know I’m here, right?” He threw down his cigarette and stubbed it out with his foot. “…I know,” Kaoru answered. Die nodded, and impulsively threw his arms around Kaoru. “We’re all worried about you, man, so take it easy,” he said, before jumping back and walking inside.

 

Kyo and Toshiya looked up from where they’d been talking several yards away, and watched the exchange between Die and Kaoru. Toshiya offered a hesitant smile to the blond guitarist and then went back to flirting madly with Kyo. “When we get home, I’ll have to—“ That was the last Kaoru heard as he went inside.

 

\-----------------------

 

Die walked inside mere seconds before Kaoru did, and had the chance to observe his friend’s tired, solemn expression. He felt horrible really, seeing Kaoru so lost within himself, but he didn’t know if there was anything he could do about it. Kaoru was a big boy and could make his own decisions—had made his own decisions, Die reminded himself bitterly.

 

The hurt welled up as it always did, especially when thinking about Kaoru. People always said that time was a healing balm in itself, but Die didn’t feel he was going to stop hurting anytime soon. Kaoru had used him, plain and simple. They’d been happy for a while together. Things seemed to be going fine.

 

Most nights were spent together; it didn’t so much as matter whose apartment, but that they were near each other. They’d go to work and be the friends they always were, and pretend that to the whole world that they weren’t fucking each other blind behind closed doors. That is to say, no one outside of the band knew. It had to be a carefully guarded secret to prevent any media mishaps. Still, at night they went home and were a normal couple, happily in love.

 

Or lust, as it was in Kaoru’s case.

 

That’s when things began to go sour. The first time was when Die had to go out of the country on business with Toshiya. Some interview for a magazine in Taiwan. When he’d arrived back home three days later, the redhead had found some carelessly discarded underwear that was not his koi’s size. Thinking it plausible that they were a gift sent from a fan, as they were wont to make such silly purchases for them, Die tossed them in the laundry and put the incident out of his mind.

 

However, things like that kept happening, suspiciously whenever Die was out of town or he and Kaoru were going through one of their rare spats. Finally Toshiya called it to his attention, trying to be the good friend he was. It was another one of those weekends that Die was obligated to spend out of town, this time, visiting his family. The redhead’s cell phone rang in the middle of dinner, and ignoring the annoyed look his mother sent towards him, politely excused himself and took the call.

 

Toshiya’s voice was upset, high-pitched, distracted, and sounded hurried. ‘Die, oh Die-kun, thank the gods I got a hold of you. Listen, I don’t want to be the nark here, but I…well, I think that Kaoru’s cheating on you.’ He remembered asking what in the hell gave Toshiya the balls to make such an accusation, and the younger man had replied in a steady voice that he, Kyo, Kaoru, and Shinya had all gone out drinking that night. Except Kaoru had meandered off, and Toshiya just saw him leaving with some guy.

 

Absolutely certain Toshiya had to be out of his wits (but secretly fearing he was right), he quickly left his family in Mie, and returned hurriedly back to Tokyo. Reaching Kaoru’s apartment at around eleven, Die made his way hastily upstairs, not even bothering to stop off at home to drop off his things. Using his key, Die entered the apartment and made his way down the hall to the bedroom. The door was open a crack and he could hear Kaoru inside, mewling in the throes of passion, and the heavy breathing and low moans accompanying it. Through the door, he could see the two of them, lost in a lust-hazed world.

 

With wide eyes and shaking breath, Die backed away from the door, holding a hand over his mouth in shock. He’d known, of course he’d known, he just didn’t want to see. He hadn’t wanted to see how Kaoru was cheating on him like it didn’t even matter; that what they shared was nothing at all to him. Dazed and upset, Die left the apartment and went back to his own.

 

Two days later, at the studio, Die told Kaoru it was through. Distraught, the older man asked why; the redhead answered obligingly, hoping that his harsh words and attitude tainted the memory of that fateful night forever in Kaoru’s mind. Crying, Kaoru begged, pleaded for Die not to leave him. The redhead felt every drop of moisture like a knife in his stomach, but remained resolute in his decision.

 

Shaking with anguish, the redhead tried to explain calmly in a voice that sounded suspiciously akin to yelling, that he wasn’t leaving Kaoru; he just refused to be treated like crap. Die was still Kaoru’s friend, even after all that, because they’d always been friends. If the world came crashing down upon them all, one constant in it all would be their dedication to each other.

 

However, it was hard to be friends with a man who was spinning out of control like a top. At first, Die thought the blond was simply enjoying his rediscovered freedom and the joys of bachelorhood, but upon a deeper look, the redhead noticed his friend looked melancholic underneath it all. Like he knew something was wrong, but didn’t know how to solve it.

 

Through it all though, despite the hurt that Kaoru inflicted upon himself and the people around him, everyone still cared for that high-handed bastard. Even Die. Especially Die. Pathetically enough, the redhead still found himself in love with Kaoru. Truly pathetic indeed.

 

\---------------------

 

Soon enough practice was drawing to a close. Kyo was becoming irritable and sending out biting comments to anything that moved, due to his voice starting to tire. That always seemed to piss the vertically challenged vocalist off. Toshiya was earnestly trying to soothe some of Kyo’s mood, while miraculously managing to avoid having his head ripped off. Shinya was silent, like always, but the thoughtful kind of silence.

 

It was finally Die who called it quits, and even Kaoru threw a mental cheer about it.

 

“Ne, do you guys want to do something tonight?” Shinya asked hesitantly while packing up his things. He looked at the other members, who all looked thoughtful. It was finally Kyo who accepted the offer with a grin. “Sure, Shin-chan, what do you want to do?” The drummer gritted his teeth at the nickname he’d acquired back from their indie days, due to his feminine appearance. It was just teasing he knew, but…it was so annoying. You’d think after years and years, they’d grow tired of it, but no.

 

“I don’t know. I was thinking we could just go out and have a beer. We haven’t done that for quite awhile,” the blond drummer explained, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. Kaoru, who was busy fiddling with his guitar, heard the offer and his ears perked up immediately. “I’ll come, if that’s alright,” he volunteered. Shinya shot one of his rare smiles at Kaoru, indicating that it was fine.

 

“Yatta! Well I’m definitely in!” Toshiya cried, “I can’t let my little Kyo-chan go get smashed without a D.D.!” A growling Kyo followed that statement, and the noise only increased when Toshiya ruffled his hair, grinning like the cat that ate the canary.

 

Shinya smiled again, glad to have his friends all going out together for once. Then he noticed a redhead putting away his guitar. A suspiciously silent redhead. Shinya’s eyes narrowed, “Die?” The quiet venture was heard though, and the redhead turned with a questioning look in his eyes. “Do you want to come?”

 

Die’s eyes slid to the side, betraying his hesitance. Kaoru was going. He didn’t want to watch Kaoru flirt and pick up someone and get drunk and be happy like everything was fine. He really didn’t, but the look in Shinya’s eyes (whose puppy eyes he’d found to be as irresistible as his younger siblings’) was enough to make him stumble out the words, “A-ano…sure. I mean, why not?”

 

“Great!” Shinya cried, “Meet you guys at 7 o’ clock at the 28th Street bar?” That was Dir en grey’s usual place to go hang out after practice. It was near to the studio, and not extremely popular, which satisfied their need for a little bit of privacy. Plus Shinya really liked the chairs there. He said they had a good feng shui to them.

 

“Sure,” the group simultaneously agreed, and departed. They would all go home, unwind a little separately and reconvene later. Meanwhile, Die was sure they’d all end up pondering why the fuck Shinya, of all people, had decided to initiate an outing. ‘Must be something important and/or celebratory,’ Die thought to himself with a shrug.

 

\---------------------

 

The bar was crowded that night, filled with older gentlemen in their mid-forties to fifties. Just your average joe schmo, stopping off at the bar for some drinks with his buddies. Looking for a safe haven, an escape from the every day monotony (or their spouses), just like Dir en grey, themselves.

 

Shinya had arrived first, true to his punctuality and saved a table for them all. Gradually, one by one (okay, so Toshiya and Kyo arrived together) the remaining members drifted in. Their table was by far the loudest and most boisterous in the place, filled with cries akin to “Kyo, stop twisting my tits!” That was Toshiya. Apparently Kyo was feeling frisky. Then of course, maniacal laughter followed in response from “Evil Doctor Kyo, out to take over the world”.

 

Die made sure to focus on Shinya, poking and prodding about what was up. His eyes studiously avoided lingering on Kaoru, who was gently cradling a beer in his hands, which he occasionally sipped out of. Blond hair fell into his face, shading it from the sight of anyone curious. His lips were pressed together, a sure indicator of his irritation. Gee, for someone not looking at Kaoru, Die sure noticed a lot.

 

Feeling quite left out of the festivities, Kaoru looked on at his friends and band mates, wondering when they’d all become so distant from him. Or was it the other way around? The blond guitarist refused to think on it, stubbornly adamant that is was not his fault. Mood suddenly turning petulant, he slipped away from the table and decided to amuse himself over at the pool tables. There were some people there—maybe he could join a game.

 

\--------------------

 

Eyeing the billiard tables, or more accurately, the men sitting around them, an automatic sway began to take over his hips as Kaoru glided towards them. “Hey, guys, can I join in?” he asked when he was in ear shot, a husky thread making its way into his normal speech pattern. The four men standing around the table all swiveled their heads to look at him. One man, younger than the rest, probably early thirties and quite average in the looks department, carefully eyed Kaoru’s form, traveling from the dark roots to the toes of his Doc Martens. Kaoru crowed mentally over the attention, saying to himself, ‘Damn straight. I know I’m pretty hot.’

 

“I suppose you can,” the youngest man said, throwing a look towards his companions. They all grinned at whatever they saw in the man’s eyes and relented. One even handed Kaoru a cue stick. “You can take over for me,” he offered, and then backed away to enjoy the show.

 

The blond looked at the pool table, and the balls randomly positioned across it. “So what am I, stripes or solids?” He noticed two solids set up just perfectly to be hit into the left corner pocket. “You’re stripes,” the young man said, backing away also, “And it’s your turn.” ‘Shit. There goes that plan.’ Noticing the cue stick in his hand, Kaoru assumed that was his opponent. Suited him just fine.

 

Studying the layout, he thought he could go for hitting a conveniently placed solid and hopefully his shot was true enough that it ricocheted into a ball very precariously balanced on the cusp of the right corner pocket. Picking up his cue stick and lining up the shot, Kaoru was suddenly stunned when the younger man spoke up again. “Oh, by the way, we’re playing for money. So either its 4000 yen up front, or no game.” It was then the blond noticed the small pile of money collected at the other end of the pool table.

 

Cursing to himself, Kaoru dug through his wallet. Pulling out the required amount, he shoved it into the pile. He frowned at the grinning young businessman, and decided he most definitely was not going to lose. That was his money dammit. Kaoru quickly aimed again and let loose with all the controlled force he could muster, and smiled triumphantly when the ball obediently popped into the pocket while the solid got caught on the corner and stopped.

 

Moving around the table, Kaoru picked out another shot and another and another, until only the eight ball was left. Taking a quick glance at the businessmen’s gaping mouths, Kaoru made quick work of it and was quickly claiming his winnings from a very sour-faced young man. “You’re just pissed you lost,” Kaoru said flippantly as he counted the money in his hands.

 

“You cheated,” the other man claimed adamantly, certain it was not true skill. “Or you just got lucky.”

 

Kaoru snorted derisively, tucking the bills into his wallet. “Like I said…you’re just a sore loser.” With a grin, he brushed a polite kiss across the other man’s lips and walked away, feeling like he’d won more than just a game of pool. “Hey, wait up,” the other man called out after him, and Kaoru knew for certain he’d gotten more than just some extra pocket cash. “Let me buy you a drink,” the businessman said, slinging an arm over Kaoru’s shoulders.

 

\---------------------

 

Shinya cleared his throat loudly, looking down at his drink, and effectively caught the attention of his band mates. The weight of their eyes pressed heavily on him, and he almost lost the courage to say anything at all. Then Die nudged him softly in the side, and smiled at him. The gesture was goading and reassuring at once, and the drummer relaxed, looking up from the table top.

 

“Ano…you guys I have to tell you something really important…” His eyes scanned the faces of his band mates, finally settling on…the patch of air where Kaoru was supposed to be sitting. “Where’s Kaoru?” Shinya asked, interrupting himself. He frowned; displeased with someone disappearing when he was about to make his important announcement.

 

Die followed his gaze and frowned also, worry mixing with annoyance. This was extremely common considering Kaoru’s current behavior. He would just…up and disappear when no one was paying attention. “I don’t know…” the redhead answered slowly. “Did either of you see where he went?” The question was directed towards Kyo and Toshiya, but the twin look of consternation on both faces was enough to infer an answer.

 

Die sighed, sounding long-suffering, before rising from the table slowly. He felt old and worn; wearied with Kaoru and his new ‘lifestyle’. The redhead was surprised his bones didn’t creak in tandem with the tired feeling lurking inside of him. “I’ll go find him,” he volunteered, before disappearing off into the crowd.

 

\----------------------

 

Kaoru’s amorous businessman turned out to be named Yuki Sakamoto. He was thirty-one, recently engaged, and worked as a computer technician for a local insurance agency. Not that Kaoru cared at all, but he listened anyway with half a mind, all the while playing the smooth seducer. For what other reason could Mr. Sakamoto have singled him out for if not an easy lay? The man was probably out for a few last hurrahs before marriage tied him irrevocably to some woman he wasn’t really sure he wanted to spend the rest of eternity with.

 

“…so I ended up here in Tokyo,” Sakamoto finished explaining practically his whole life story, much to Kaoru’s relief. The man was incredibly dull, and the blond guitarist was direly glad for the beer he was suddenly slamming down with great enthusiasm. “Hm…that’s interesting,” Kaoru lied, finding it easier to say than the truth.

 

“So what about you?” Sakamoto asked, suddenly.

 

Kaoru looked at him out of the corner of his eye, a wicked grin forming on his countenance. “What about me?”

 

“Well, I’ve told you all about me, so how about a little return information?” Sakamoto asked, returning the light flirtation. The corners of Kaoru’s mouth turned down slightly as the blond thought of what to say. He didn’t want to give out his real name and risk recognition, or his occupation at that. “My name’s Kaoru,” he finally decided on, “I’m from out of town, like you, and right now I’m…working in the marketing industry.” Hey it was plausible! “Nothing special really.”

 

“Hm…what kind of marketing do you do?” Sakamoto replied with.

 

“Oh…I write jingles…for products.” The answer was simple, but hopefully it would do. Kaoru was sick of this whole twenty questions thing going on, and was ready to hop into bed with someone. He really didn’t feel like going on the prowl for a suitable candidate, and felt this one would do, if he could ever manage to shut Sakamoto up.

 

With the sudden decision to do just that, Kaoru ran his hand up the other man’s arm, prepared to turn on all the sensual charm he could. Sneaking under the other man’s defenses, he caught his lips with a teasingly innocent kiss. Pulling away, Kaoru blinked, trying to look innocent, and smiled vacuously. “I really like you, Sakamoto. I- I want you,” he said in a light, shy voice. The lie was so obvious to Kaoru he almost laughed at it himself. He didn’t want Sakamoto; he wanted his penis, he wanted his attention just for a short while to help make him feel alive again.

 

Sakamoto looked a little shocked, but pleased at the same time. Kaoru just knew that the other man was at least bisexual the moment he’d laid eyes on him. Perhaps some experimentation during high school or college? Glancing at the bartender, Sakamoto rose from his seat. A swift tug on Kaoru’s shirtsleeve was the only indication he had that the other man was not leaving him.

 

Following Sakamoto’s tall frame, with the dark undyed head of hair through the crowd, Kaoru let himself be led along like a puppy. Feeling suddenly lost, Kaoru trotted to keep up with the taller man’s loping steps and slipped a hand in his when he’d caught up. Then he noticed the looming sign for the men’s room, and grinned. How entirely kinky. He hadn’t thought Sakamoto had it in him.

 

They entered through the door, and Kaoru suddenly found himself pressed up against the wall, being kissed earnestly. He moaned breathily, his hands fisting in Sakamoto’s hair. It felt…odd, really, to be touching someone with undamaged hair. The texture was rather bland, not over conditioned or under conditioned. Wasn’t it supposed to be very silky from the intense conditioners used on it and kind of poofy? Gravity-defying even. No, no wait, that was…

 

Kaoru yelped as the other man bit his lip, derailing his train of thought. Opening his mouth to yell an angry, “what the hell?” at the man, Kaoru was stunned as an insistent tongue swooped in to fill the gap. It was almost overwhelming, and if it weren’t for the guitarist’s experience, he’d have probably choked. It was quite apparent that Sakamoto wasn’t exactly a master at the art of french kissing. 

 

Still, it was enough to fill the void that had been slowly growing inside of his chest, eating away at Kaoru’s very being until he was left with nothing but the heart-stopping _need_ to be held. Warm hands caressed down his sides, pouring that warmth into the black hole inside. Except…weren’t they supposed to be fine-boned with calloused fingers? A mouth settled on his neck, hot and wet and obviously happy to be there.

 

“Hm…” Kaoru breathed out, feeling quite content with letting his body be ravaged as long as there was something in return to fill him. A delicious reprieve from the longing that he carried with him everywhere. His fingers tightened in the hair, imagining fiery red strands being lovingly pulled from their roots in a fit of passion. “Die…” came the unbidden whisper.

 

The door opened and closed quietly, but neither man paid attention to it. However, Kaoru’s eyes flickered open automatically (when had he closed them?) and he stared straight into chestnut eyes, warm and alive with an inner fire. Those were the eyes Kaoru longed to stare into, merely for hours on end. Their heat could warm him for hours with a mere glance. Die’s eyes.

 

Die.

 

Die’s eyes.

 

Kaoru froze in his panic. A tongue licked the hollow of his neck. Startled, Kaoru shoved the man away with both hands. Staring at the businessman, it was like Kaoru had never even spoken to him before. Disregarding his presence, the blonde’s gaze flicked back over to Die.

 

The expression on his face was one of contempt and disgust and flayed Kaoru to the bones more than he’d ever let on. “God, Kaoru, can’t you keep it your pants for more than a minute?” Die’s voice was hot and scathing, subdued fury lacing every syllable. Under that though, was hurt. Kaoru was hurting Die yet again, and there was nothing the blond could even do about it short of committing suicide. He wanted to cry, to die from shame and self-loathing.

 

“I- I didn’t- I mean…” the blond guitarist stuttered, trying to explain but finding himself bumbling along like an idiot. He winced inwardly. This was not helping his case at all. Die rolled his eyes, disbelief written plainly across his countenance. “Yeah, whatever. You’ve got some nerve, Kaoru. I mean, Shinya’s got something really important to say, and you just leave like he doesn’t even fucking exist in the little universe that is Kaoru Niikura.”

 

Kaoru’s shoulders hunched and he looked at his shoes. Die triumphed inwardly, knowing that he was finally, _finally_ putting Kaoru in his place. The door clicked shut quietly as whatever nameless fuckhead Kaoru had set his sights on that night left, not willing to risk getting involved with something personal just for a little nookie. “How do you know Shinya’s not about to tell us he has prostate cancer or something and has to go under the knife? Huh? Do you have any consideration at all for other people’s feelings?”

 

Tears were clouding up Kaoru’s down turned eyes and his shoulders shook, fighting with the urge to cry. He hadn’t meant to do that! Why didn’t Die see that?! “I’m sorry!” he cried out, finally giving voice to one of the thoughts constantly circling in his mind, “I just- I just got lonely!” With that Kaoru broke down into violent sobs, covering his face with his hands.

 

Die was stunned, feeling indecisive with the instinctive need to go and comfort Kaoru and the anger, the hurt he felt over having been betrayed yet again. Right under his own nose, no less. It was when Kaoru slid down the wall and curled into a crouching fetal position, body hidden mostly behind his folded up legs, that Die put aside his vindictive want for revenge and decided to be the friend he’d always claimed to be.

 

“Kaoru, shh,” he cooed as he knelt next to the blond on the grimy bathroom floor. Wrapping his arms around Kaoru’s distraught form, he tugged the older man towards him until the blond was resting against his chest. Arms encircled his waist tentatively, following an automatic response. “I- I just- I don’t know what’s wrong with me…” Kaoru confessed, his voice sounded ragged. “I know I’m hurting people and I just keep doing it even though I tell myself I won’t, and then it only hurts more. I hate it that you worry about me—I don’t deserve it. I’ve been horrible to you, even though I love you. I just…I can’t stop!” Kaoru screamed, a wet sound filled with venom at his own behavior.

 

Die was more shocked over the ‘even though I love you’ part more than anything else. Those words just…threw him for a loop and shook the foundation of everything he’d based his feelings on for the past few months. Still, now wasn’t the appropriate time to be questioning Kaoru, who was obviously in a very fragile emotional disposition at the moment. Instead he focused on the other things Kaoru was saying, splurging out incoherent rambles. It was more of a clue than anything else he’d had.

 

“Kaoru…Kaoru, calm down, please. If you want…we’ll get you some help. Anything you want,” Die said in an effort to placate the sobbing guitarist. Maybe…but that would only help at all if Kaoru wanted help. Perhaps he was happy with his current state of being? Maybe he didn’t want help? You couldn’t help someone who didn’t want to be helped.

 

“Hontou ni?” came a meek voice, muffled by Die’s shirt. “Yes, Kaoru. We’ll find someone who can help. I’ll help too, if you want. Kyo and Shinya and Toshiya too; we’ll all help. We all care about you very much Kaoru, and only want you to be happy.” More uncontrolled sobbing followed that, but this time, Die had the feeling it was more of a catharsis than anything.

 

\----------------------

 

Shinya sighed, looking at the two-fifths empty table. Kaoru was still missing and Die was still out trying to track him down. The drummer was running out of time and with it, his patience. Looking up at Toshiya and Kyo, he suddenly blurted out, “Look you guys, I’ve really got to say this and get out of here. I can’t wait for those two anymore.”

 

Toshiya and Kyo turned their attention to him, and the bassist asked with a concerned lilt to his voice, “So what’s up, Shinya?” The drummer felt relieved that someone had finally cared to ask.

 

“I’ve got to leave town for a few weeks,” Shinya explained, and at his friends’ sharp looks, quickly amended, “No, nothing to do with me. Well, not directly. Actually, it’s my mom. She has cancer. Nothing immediately deadly, mind you, but I’m going to stay with her for two weeks so I can be there for the surgery and help her recover a little.”

 

“Whew,” Kyo said, “I’m glad it’s nothing too serious. I think I speak for all of us when I say, go home, Shinya, and take care of your mom. Tell her we all said hi and send our get well wishes.”

 

Toshiya smiled at Shinya. “Yeah, what he said.” Then to Kyo, “Wow, you were really sweet and considerate. For a moment I almost thought you’d undergone a body switch.”

 

Shinya laughed. “Who would want to take over Kyo’s body?”

 

“Hey!” Kyo cried, “I’ll have you know that many a-fangirl happen to think I’m, and I quote ‘adorable, cute, sweet,’ and any number of other adjectives.”

 

Toshiya raised his eyebrow, a wicked grin forming on his face, “But only those found in a thesaurus under ‘cute’.” Shinya laughed while Kyo squawked out his indignance. “Thanks you guys,” he said abruptly, “For understanding, and for making me feel better.”

 

“No problem!” Toshiya cried, draping an arm over Kyo’s shoulders. The blond nodded his head emphatically in agreement, scooting closer to Toshiya. “Just take good care of your mom.” Shinya nodded, determined to do just that. “I’ve got to get going now,” he explained as he rose from the table, “My flight leaves at twelve o’ clock tonight, and I’ve got to be at the airport at least an hour and a half early. Tell Kaoru and Die?”

 

Kyo and Toshiya readily agreed, and went back to their harmless flirting game that they played most anywhere, anytime, and to any degree of nasty they felt like at the moment. Walking away, Shinya caught sight of Toshiya being pushed back to lie across two of the empty chairs, and determined that tonight was an extra special degree of nasty.

 

After Kaoru had pulled himself together enough to face the rest of the world, he and Die walked out only to meet a near-empty table and an explanation from Kyo and Toshiya on where Shinya would be for the next two weeks. Die managed to call Shinya and sent their apologies for missing the announcement, and to say that he and Kaoru wished his mother would get well soon.

 

A week and a half later, Kaoru was sitting outside of Doctor K. Nanahara’s office. Die was seated beside him, one hand placed over Kaoru’s while the other turned the pages in a rather bland political magazine. The redhead had lived up to his promise and gotten Kaoru in to see a psychologist. The blond guitarist nervously tapped the armrest of the chair and clutched his friend’s hand for dear life. He hoped that they could just give him some drugs and be done with it; Kaoru didn’t like it here at all, and was not eager for a return visit.

 

Like he was reading Kaoru’s thought, Die squeezed his hand reassuringly. “It’s okay, Kaoru. Remember, this is just an assessment. Nothing to worry about.” Kaoru nodded, hearing the words, but not really hearing them. What did Die know in that situation anyway? Kaoru was the one putting himself on the line, trusting some person he didn’t even know with his well-being.

 

There was a light tapping of heels and then a soft, feminine voice called out, “Mr. Niikura? The Doctor is ready to see you now. If you’ll just follow me?” Both men rose from their seats, as Kaoru wasn’t detaching from the redhead. ‘Come with me?’ he asked earlier, out in the car. ‘Sure, Kao. I told you, I’ll be here to help if you want me to,’ the redhead had answered.

 

The secretary led them out of the waiting room and around the corner, where she stopped at the doorway to the room. “The Doctor’s waiting already,” she said kindly, with a small smile, and went back to her desk out front. Taking a deep breath, Kaoru looked at Die, and feeling more certain, stepped over the threshold.

 

“Mr. Niikura, I presume?” the doctor asked, immediately sighting Kaoru.

 

Pasting on a charming smile, Kaoru replied, “Yes, that’s me.”

 

“It’s nice to meet you,” Doctor Nanahara said, rising up from the desk to shake Kaoru’s hand. The doctor was a petite man, young in appearance with a mane of think blue-black hair, and kind brown eyes. The blond guitarist acknowledged that Die had done a good job picking the doctor if that kindness proved to be true. “It’s nice to meet you too,” he said with a polite smile on his face.

 

“Oh, and may I ask who this is?” the doctor asked curiously, his gaze alight on Die, his presence looming over Kaoru’s shoulder. “This is Die, my um…” Here Kaoru trailed off, unsure of what to say. Were they just friends now, or…did Die’s concern stem from more romantic feelings? He couldn’t say ‘lover’; they weren’t even sleeping together. Not technically, that is. However for the past week Kaoru had spent the night at Die’s apartment, sharing one half of a very comfortable bed with the redhead. Then before that, Die had stayed at his. It was almost like before they’d separated, minus the mind-blowing sex though.

 

“I’m Kaoru’s boyfriend,” Die said, smoothly stepping in to cover where Kaoru had left off. The blond looked at him in shock while he simply offered his hand to the doctor. They shook, and the doctor led them to their seats. He seemed quite nonplussed that Die had just revealed to him they were gay. Of course, in his profession the doctor must have run into all sorts. Kaoru thought he was more shell-shocked than the doctor was about Die being his boyfriend. He wanted to jump up and do a victory dance. Then again, Die could just be saying that to simplify a complex situation.

 

The doctor, seated back behind his desk now, calmly asked, “So Kaoru, what seems to be the problem? Your boyfriend told me a little bit over the phone, but to make a correct diagnosis I need to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, so to speak.” Starting in his seat, the blond mentally berated himself to pay attention and stop focusing on trivial problems that could be solved later.

 

“Well, um…” he stuttered out, having a hard time voicing it. In fact, the only time he’d talked about it at all was in the bathroom with Die. “I- I get lonely. Like, really lonely. To the point where I start to panic about it.”

 

“Mmhm…would you care to tell me a little bit more about these, let’s call them panic attacks?” The doctor scribbled something down on his notepad, and looked back up at Kaoru expectantly. Feeling suddenly hesitant about it, he stuttered out, “I- um…no.” Kaoru was stunned when he felt Die reach for his hand again, which had been clasping the arm of the chair so tightly his knuckles were white, and give it a comforting squeeze. “I mean yes,” Kaoru changed his mind at Die’s brief gesture of support.

 

“I…well it only happens when I’m alone,” the blond explained, the fingers of his hand taking up the urgent task of rubbing themselves nervously against Die’s intertwined fingers. “Or when he’s not being paid attention to,” Die interjected helpfully. Kaoru shot him a weak glare. This was his story; let him tell it.

 

“Anyway, I just- I start to freak out. I feel like I’m lost out in space and no one can hear me or see me, and there’s a black hole about to suck me in and the only thing I can do to stop it is…” Kaoru clamped his jaw shut, realizing he was beginning to sound like a lunatic. With every word his voice got faster and faster, and kept lurching up in pitch to an almost panicked sound.

 

The doctor looked at Kaoru with his sympathetic eyes, smiling weakly. “That’s good, Kaoru. Just let it out; it’s good to be able to tell people what’s wrong. That’s the only way you’re going to get any better at all. Would you care to tell me what happens next? You feel like you’re getting sucked up into a black hole, and then…?”

 

Feeling detached from himself, Kaoru explained in a clinically analytical voice what happened next. He really didn’t want to be recounting his own tales of debauched madness to some stranger. Hell, he really didn’t want to do it since Die was there also. “Then I need to go out. Somewhere crowded, usually, where I can get lots of attention easily; normally nightclubs or bars. Then I proceed to get heavily smashed at either locale. Usually I end up picking up someone, since…you know, it’s so easy there. It makes me not feel so alone. I think you can guess what happens from there.”

 

Surmise is what the doctor certainly proceeded to do. A light flush appeared on his cheeks, the only sign that he was flustered at all. Maybe it was the idea of Kaoru having sex with billions of people while he was with his boyfriend, Die. Maybe it was simply hearing about the debauchery that Kaoru had let himself be pulled into.

 

Doctor Nanahara seemed to regain his professional composure, and carefully schooled his face into blankness. “Well, Mr. Niikura, from what you’ve told me it seems that my original guess is most likely the answer. Although you seem to have slight symptoms of nymphomania, I’d say this is not the case. I really think that at the core of things, you’re an isolophobic.”

 

“A what?” Die asked, that only being the third time he’d spoken throughout the whole session. “An isolophobic,” the doctor repeated, “It’s someone who fears being alone. If you look at what Mr. Niikura told me, it is the most logical answer.”

 

“What can you do to treat it?” Kaoru asked point-blank. He didn’t care that his condition now had a name, only that it would soon go away. “Well, that’s the thing, Mr. Niikura. You see, a phobia is a phobia. It’s not something you can make disappear with pills or with intensive therapy. It’s an irrational fear that exists in your mind, and only you have control over that. I really think the best way for you to…let’s say, battle the impulses it gives you, is to stay around people you trust. Your friends, your family, your boyfriend. Then with time, maybe your fear will ease.”

 

“So you’re saying that there’s nothing you can do?” Die asked, strangely echoing Kaoru’s thoughts, which were quite dismal at the time. “Not really. If I told you that, I’d be lying. Therapy may help over time, combined with some good old-fashioned TLC from you and his friends and family.” Catching the last sentence, Kaoru piped up with, “Therapy may help?”

 

The doctor nodded solemnly. “It may. Just to give you someone to talk to. A lot of people find it helpful to share their problems with professionals who can help to talk them away from the edge. You know, because professionals know the facts and won’t bullshit you, blah blah blah. Reassurance from people who aren’t personally involved with it.”

 

“Then let’s try it,” Die said, and grinned at Kaoru hopefully. The blond returned the look wholeheartedly; sick of the way he was at the time. He was tired of feeling so out of control of his own self. He wanted nothing more than to reestablish his relationship with Die and to make it work this time. “Are you sure? It won’t be cheap you know,” the doctor asked with apprehension. He really hated it when his clients complained about the bill. “I’m sure,” Kaoru said, “I assure you that I can afford it.” After all, he made over a million dollars per year. He could afford to splurge a little.

 

“Okay then. How about if we try having a session once every two weeks? It’s a good way to start, and we’ll find out if we need to decrease or increase the amount then,” Doctor Nanahara offered.

 

Kaoru looked at Die, then nodded. “That sounds good.”

 

“Great! If you stop at the front desk on your way out, my secretary can set you up with your next appointment.” The doctor got up, leading the way to the door, and Die and Kaoru followed his example. “It was very nice meeting you both, Mr. Niikura and Mr…?” It was only then he realized he hadn’t been given Die’s last name.

 

“Ando,” Die said with a smile, shaking the proffered hand. Kaoru did the same, they both walked out of the room, hand in hand as the doctor opened the door. It seemed things were looking up now. After all, they’d hit rock bottom. There was only one way to go after that.

 

\------------------

 

Kaoru sat on Die’s couch, watching early Saturday morning cartoons in his sweatpants and a t-shirt he’d borrowed from the redhead’s closet. On the armrest, lay the remote control, peacefully undisturbed since the blond had both hands occupied with a bowl of instant oatmeal.

 

The shower was running in the background, a sure sign that Die was nearby, and for the first time in a long time, Kaoru felt simply content to let himself fall into a lull, so content and happy he was. The blond was busy chortling with laughter while a character was hit on the head with a frying pan, when the sound of water in the background abruptly stopped.

 

Turning slightly, Kaoru faced the hallway entrance and waited expectantly for the redhead to come charging out wearing a smile. For some reason, Die was always ungodly cheerful in the mornings. Not quite a pet peeve for Kaoru, but something that annoyed and amused him in equal parts.

 

The phone rang, a shrill sound echoing through the apartment, and Kaoru heard Die running for the bedroom to answer it. Then there was silence from the phone, the only noise being the TV and Kaoru’s subtle breathing.

 

Five or so minutes later, Die emerged from the hallway looking grim. Gone was the smile that Kaoru had grown so accustomed to seeing again in the morning. “What’s wrong?” Kaoru asked immediately, worry gnawing at his stomach. Die sat down next to Kaoru, the couch sinking slightly with the taller man’s weight. Instinctively, Kaoru scooted closer to Die until their hips and thighs were touching. Just simple touches like those made Kaoru deliriously happy.

 

Die settled his arm over Kaoru’s shoulder, pulling the man closer still while his fingers gently stroked through the blond hair just reaching Kaoru’s shoulders. Kaoru was tensing up, his whole body demanding an explanation at Die’s odd mood. “Kaoru, I have some bad news,” he said finally.

 

“What is it?” Kaoru asked, dreading the answer more and more with each passing second. His stomach felt tight and tied into knots. The blond couldn’t even handle the thought of the oatmeal in his lap anymore. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

 

“I have to go out of town overnight,” Die explained, wincing when Kaoru nearly choked on his own saliva and sputtered out, “W-why?!”

 

“My sister in law just had her baby. I have to fly home and congratulate her, spend a little time with them,” at Kaoru’s incredulous look, he added, “I’m obligated, Kaoru. If I don’t, my mother will personally come all the way here to beat my ass and drag me back home. You know how she is.”

 

Kaoru did know that Die’s mother was a hell-spawned bitch, and already thought that her son’s choice of lifestyle and occupation were dire mistakes. In her opinion, Daisuke should have stayed close to home, gotten married, and done something respectable with his life. In short, the redhead’s mother was psychotic. Fuck, Kaoru would even go so far as to say that she needed therapy more than he did. In fact, she had thoroughly convinced herself that Die was not gay. That was reason enough for needing a therapist.

 

“And let me guess,” Kaoru found himself stating, “You can’t take me with, as per the usual?” Die bit his lip, eyes pleading with Kaoru to understand. “No,” he answered in a near-whisper. God, it was like some sick fucking cosmic joke! Here Kaoru was, trying to get better, and Die has to leave him! Fighting down the initial urge to tie Die to the furniture and sit on him to keep him from leaving, Kaoru ground out, “Okay, Die. I understand. I know you have to go, but are you sure I can’t come with?” He didn’t want to be alone again, and risk…everything! He knew very well what would happen once Die left town.

 

“You know that my mother will freak out if I come home with another man. Her denial about my sexuality is so precarious that she just might have an aneurysm from any bit of truth. It would be like flaunting it in her face,” Die explained, feeling just as upset as Kaoru over the situation. It wasn’t fair the way things just kept happening, especially when he’d finally felt like they were settling down. Their lives were a nonstop roller coaster!

 

Letting out a long sigh, Kaoru finally resigned himself to a fate that was simply conspiring against him. “I know. That’s okay. When are you leaving?” Die grimaced, and that was answer enough for Kaoru. “Today?! You have to go today?!” The redhead nodded. “I managed to call the airport and get a ticket for the 3 o’ clock flight. I’ll be staying overnight and back around noon tomorrow. Is that okay?”

 

Kaoru debated getting up and throwing a temper tantrum. No, it was not okay, dammit. He was going to be left alone! Instead, the blond shook his head ‘yes’, not trusting his voice. “We can find somewhere for you to stay while I’m gone,” Die suggested. “Where?” Kaoru shot back, immediately grasping at any hope at all that he might not be alone. “One of the guys,” Die said and shrugged, “Shinya’s still not back though, so it’s obviously not going to be him.”

 

“Okay,” Kaoru replied meekly, thinking on the upcoming night without Die. In fact, it would be the first night he’d spent without the redhead in almost two weeks. He was apprehensive about the whole idea. Setting aside his cold bowl of oatmeal, Kaoru pulled his legs up onto the couch and snuggled closer to Die, wrapping his arms around the redhead’s waist. “I don’t want you to go,” he confessed in a small voice.

 

“I don’t want to go,” Die replied, kissing the top of Kaoru’s head.

 

Kaoru tried again to convince Die not to leave. “So don’t,” he said simply.

 

“It’s not that easy, Kaoru,” the redhead answered back with a sigh, “I have to go pack.” With that he moved away from Kaoru, who suddenly felt bereft and empty without the steadfast presence of the redhead. He nodded, curling up on the couch even further.

 

\--------------------

 

Kaoru stood still in the middle of Toshiya’s living room, while the bassist bounced around excitedly. “Oh, I’m so happy you’re staying here overnight, Kaoru! We’ll have so much fun, I promise! It’s a shame that Die had to leave town on such short notice like that, but it’ll be okay! We’ll survive, ne, Kaoru?”

 

“Uh…sure,” he answered back hesitantly, a little overwhelmed by Toshiya’s sheer effervescent nature. The black and red haired man stopped, looking at Kaoru. He was abruptly serious, which was scary considering who it was. “Listen, I really am sorry Die had to go out of town. I know that it must be hard for you; especially with how close you two have been lately. For what it’s worth, I’m glad you guys patched things up. It was really awful seeing you…so distant from each other. I mean, whenever I think of you or Die, I always picture you with each other. It’s just not natural to see you separated.”

 

Blushing, Kaoru looked down at the ground. “Thanks, Toshiya. That means a lot to me. I really…I’ve really missed Die, is all I can say, I guess, without sounding too sappy or whatever.”

 

Toshiya tilted his head, hair falling into his face, looking at Kaoru with a gentle smile upon his countenance. “I understand,” then with a sudden change of attitude, “Well then let’s get you settled in.” Toshiya led the way back to the guest room, letting Kaoru get his own bag and follow.

 

The room was small and cozy, and beside the twin size bed was what Kaoru recognized as Kyo’s watch, easily distinguished with the small scorpion engraved on the band. Funny, he’d always wondered if there was more to Toshiya and Kyo’s relationship than just harmless flirting. The watch was only another puzzle piece to store away for future pondering.

 

“Well, here we are. This is my miniscule guest room. It’s not much, but it’s something, at least. Make yourself comfortable. You know where my room is, and the bathroom, and the kitchen. Now,” Toshiya turned with a predatory gleam in his eyes, “What do you want to do tonight? We can order take-out and watch movies all night? Or play video games?”

 

“That sounds good,” Kaoru said with an appreciative smile, setting his bag at the foot of the bed. Toshiya was trying so hard to make sure he was comfortable and happy. “Good! Let’s see, there’s this great Chinese place right down the street. We can order from there!” Toshiya strode out of the room, Kaoru trailing not far behind, and picked up the phone. He dialed the number, knowing it by heart, belying just how often he had take-out for dinner.

 

“What do you want?” Toshiya whispered to Kaoru. “Um…sesame chicken, and an egg roll,” he whispered back. Toshiya shot him a look that clearly expressed ‘that’s it?’ Then he began speaking into the mouthpiece of the phone, reiterating Kaoru’s order and adding his own. He mumbled agreements into the phone, then hung up.

 

“All their delivery guys are out, so I’m going to have to leave in about twenty minutes to pick up the food. Plus I’ve got to go the video store. Is that okay?” Toshiya nibbled on his thumbnail worriedly. “Yeah, that’s fine,” Kaoru replied casually, “Just as long as you’re not gone too long.”

 

“Are you sure?” the black haired man shot back.

 

“Yes! Dammit all, Toshiya, I have a phobia, that doesn’t mean I’m an invalid! Go get the damn food, and I’ll be fine,” he softened his voice on the last part, noticing Toshiya’s wince at his sudden volume. “Okay,” Toshiya agreed quietly, then immediately perked up, “So what do you want to rent?”

 

“Something funny,” Kaoru suggested, “But other than that, I don’t care.”

 

“Alright!”

 

\-------------------

 

Toshiya had been gone for fifteen minutes already. Kaoru was antsy, pacing up and down in the small living room. He felt like the walls were closing in on him, trapping him there and making him suffocate. He needed to get out. He needed to be with people. Where was Toshiya?

 

Decision made, the blond guitarist slipped on his sneakers and coat, and resolved to walk down the block to the Chinese place. If Toshiya wasn’t there, then he’d go to the video store and check there. He needed to be around people! The stationary silence around Toshiya’s apartment was stifling and thick, unbroken by any noise except his own frantic motions.

 

The hinges on the door creaked as Kaoru opened it and checked to make sure it was locked. Then a quick tug, and the door slammed closed behind him. The blond was already halfway down the hall, hitting the button on the elevator. It figured that Toshiya would live in an apartment building that was so luxurious. The walls were done in tasteful cream, accented with pale gold colors, and lush burgundy carpeting. There were also four different elevators in the building, five if you included the service elevator, and don’t forget the stairwells. In the back of his mind, Kaoru wondered how much Toshiya was paying for rent per month.

 

Arriving on the first floor, Kaoru made a quick beeline past the manager’s office and out the front door. He’d intended to head straight to the Chinese place, but passing a small neighborhood bar, Kaoru wondered where was the harm in just one drink? It would help to settle his nerves a bit.

 

Upon entering the dimly lit bar, he ordered a mug of whatever was on tap. That one drink quickly turned into six, and the blond was chatting with the man next to him, flirting subconsciously. Six turned into ten, and by then things were getting really hazy. The man next to him was attractive, and obviously interested in him. “So do you live around here?” the man kept asking, obviously hinting at something.

 

A hand rubbed his thigh and Kaoru nearly fell over purring from the caress. It was more than he’d gotten from Die for the past two weeks. “No,” he found himself whispering back, “I don’t live here.” The hand got adventurous and stroked the inside of his thigh, dangerously close to Kaoru’s groin. “Oh, that’s too bad,” the man said. “We could go back to my place if you wanted.” The offer was spoken in a low, seductive voice, and Kaoru wanted so badly to give into it.

 

“Mm,” he murmured, leaning forward to catch the lips that were so sweetly calling him back down into his well of debauched pleasures. They weren’t as full as Die’s, and didn’t move against him like a soft caress of silk against his lips. The man was hard, demanding, pushing Kaoru’s side against the bar as he demanded control. The hand that had traced his thigh through his jeans was suddenly rubbing harshly against his groin, and Kaoru fell back from the kiss with a gasp. “Die,” he said, and pushed the other man away. “What the fuck?!” the nameless man cried as he was suddenly rejected.

 

Quickly, Kaoru threw down what he figured to be enough yen on the bar top, and ran out of the bar. How long had he been in there? He couldn’t even remember. It was completely dark now though, so it had to have been a substantial amount of time. Toshiya must have been worried sick. Turning back to Toshiya’s apartment, Kaoru started on his way with unsteady feet. God, he couldn’t believe he’d gone and gotten drunk like that. What was he thinking?

 

He knew it was useless now to finish his mission on going down to the Chinese place, as Toshiya had to have already gotten home by then. Stumbling blearily into the apartment building, he took the elevator back up to the sixteenth floor. Damn, why did Toshiya live so high up? Kaoru’s stomach swam from motion sickness as the heavy doors slid open.

 

Walking down to Toshiya’s apartment, he slipped in the now-open door only to hear a cry of wild relief. “Kaoru! You’re okay!” Toshiya flung himself at his friend, and the elder man barely managed to keep his footing. “Where did you go? I was so worried about you!” It was only then that Kaoru noticed the bassist had been crying.

 

“It’s okay, Toshiya. I went to go look for you at the Chinese place, but…I got a little sidetracked,” he admitted with much embarrassment. “A little?!” Toshiya cried incredulously, his eyebrows shooting up. “Kaoru, it’s been almost three hours since I came back and found you gone!”

 

“I’m sorry,” he said. Toshiya’s eyes narrowed accusingly then. “You’ve been drinking,” he said scornfully, waving his hand at the stench of alcohol radiating from Kaoru. A thought seemed to come to him, and he gaped at the blond. “You didn’t…did you?”

 

“No, no, I didn’t,” he said, feeling slightly proud of himself. Still, he’d kissed the man, but what was that compared to other things he’d done? Toshiya sighed in relief. “Good. I’d have to kill you if you cheated on Die again. He loves you a lot, and you really hurt him when you did that.”

 

Toshiya looked at Kaoru in sympathy. “Kaoru, take off your shoes and coat and come sit down on the couch. I rented Brother Bear. It’s a Disney movie, and is supposed to be really, really funny. I’ve also got some other movies. You can pick. The Chinese probably needs reheating, but that’s okay.”

 

Kaoru slowly did as Toshiya asked, and situated himself on the couch. “By the way,” Toshiya called from the kitchen, “When I came home, I kind of panicked and called Die. He’s on his way back right now.” The words took a moment to sink in. Kaoru could hear Toshiya moving around in the kitchen, reheating all the food. Finally, Kaoru yelled, “WHAT?! You called him? He’s coming back? Why? I mean-“

 

This was Kaoru’s chance to prove to himself he wasn’t really sick. That he was getting better and could handle himself without Die as a crutch. Of course, someone had to go and blow it. Whether it was himself or Toshiya, Kaoru didn’t know. He wasn’t sure who to be angry with.

 

“Please don’t be mad,” Toshiya pleaded as he came out with a steaming plate of sesame chicken for Kaoru. “I just- I got really scared when you weren’t here, so I called the first person I could think of. Die yelled at me so much already when he found out what happened. He thinks it’s my fault, and I suppose he’s right. He told me not to leave you alone, and what do I do? Exactly the opposite, of course.” Shaking his head in disappointment, Toshiya went to get his own food.

 

“He’ll probably be taking you home tonight,” Toshiya told the blond, sinking down into an armchair. “But we might as well eat the food, and maybe get in a movie before Die comes breaking down my door in an effort to kill me.” He grinned, but not like it was funny.

 

“I’m sorry,” Kaoru said, “I didn’t mean to worry you. I’ll tell Die it wasn’t your fault. I mean, I told you to leave me alone, when I knew I shouldn’t be.” He ate a small piece of chicken with his chopsticks, not really tasting it. “Thank you for everything, though, Toshiya. I know you were just trying to be a good friend, and you are. It’s me who’s fucked up right now. I just have to concentrate harder on getting better.”

 

Toshiya nodded, and reached out to pop in the movie Brother Bear. It was blissfully quiet after that, and the only time anyone said anything was when Toshiya offered to take Kaoru’s plate in the kitchen for him. The blond acquiesced, and wondered how big of a lecture he was going to have to deal with when Die arrived.

 

\-------------------

 

It was close to midnight when a steady rapping on the door woke Kaoru from his light sleep. He’d passed out on the couch evidently, halfway through the second movie. Toshiya had gone to bed a long time ago, stopping only to drape a blanket over Kaoru’s prone form.

 

Standing up and stretching, Kaoru went to answer the door; already knowing who it was without even looking through the peephole. Turning the knob, the familiar sight of red hair, flying every which direction, soothed him to no end. “Die,” he greeted as soon as the door was halfway open. The redhead looked down at Kaoru, the relief palpable on his face. “Kaoru,” he answered, and swiftly crushed the blond to him. “You’re okay.”

 

“Yeah,” the blond replied, clinging to the redhead just as tightly. The world seemed to right itself as Kaoru lingered in the healing embrace. Then he remembered his promise to Toshiya. “It wasn’t Toshiya’s fault. I told him to go get the food,” he murmured against the cloth of Die’s jacket.

 

“I know. I figured,” the redhead stated, resting his chin on Kaoru’s head, “Sounds just like you, you stubborn pigheaded fool.” Kaoru snorted, but accepted the statement. Normally he’d have argued that Die was one to talk, but not tonight. He was just happy Die was back. Instead, Kaoru wanted to reassure him that everything was still okay. “Nothing happened, you know. I stopped.”

 

“I know, Kaoru.” The redhead leaned down and kissed him softly, sweetly on the lips. A heat, both excruciatingly hot and yet pleasantly warm, rushed into Kaoru’s body. The reaction was automatic, instantaneous—and only ever happened with Die. With all the others it was about comfort, companionship. With Die it was unfettered emotion. “Let’s go home,” the guitarist said as he pulled away from Kaoru. The blond haired man nodded slowly, eyes still closed, lips slightly parted, shiny with saliva.

 

Die chuckled a little to himself and stepped inside the apartment, toeing off his shoes. “Go get your things, Kaoru. I’ll leave a note for Toshiya letting him know we’ve gone.” He moved into the kitchen, and the blond, still standing in the doorway, gradually felt the desire shift to a simmering boil. He did as he was bade on automatic pilot, longing to be back at Die’s apartment, his friend’s limbs wrapped around him. So warm, so there. Not alone.

 

\-----------------

 

When they arrived at home, Die tiredly set his bags at the foot of the bed and undressed until he was naked—the way he preferred to sleep. Kaoru watched with rapt attention, his fingers tingling with sensory memories of how that silk-smooth skin felt under his touch. The blond stripped down to his boxers, climbing into the right side, his side, of the bed. Die slid under the blankets moments after him, sighing as he hit the sheets.

 

Kaoru rolled over, throwing one of his legs over Die’s and curling an arm over his waist. He pressed his body so close that there was hardly any space between them. Die kissed his hair gently and returned the embrace, his fingers tracing delicate, whispery lines on Kaoru’s back. The blond sighed contentedly, once more feeling luckier than any man on earth—that somehow this wonderful creature had welcomed him back into his arms, even though he didn’t deserve it.

 

“I love you,” Kaoru said quietly, as he felt Die’s breathing shifting, evening out. The redhead’s lashes fluttered and he murmured a half-coherent, “Love you too.” It was almost like the old days, back before any of this. Kaoru vowed that he would get better, if only to see Die smile like he had then. Somehow, some way, he would right things. He would fix himself, so that they could be happy again.

 

\--------------

 

In every story there is a protagonist and an antagonist. During this tale, I was both. Only I could help me get better. I was both at my worst and at my best, with a little help. I survived. I put myself back together, and lived to tell the tale. I even got to keep my princess.

 

-FIN-


End file.
